Enkuentro Spiritual

Can you pray your gay away?

Can you pray your gay away? It sounds like a ridiculous idea, especially for those of us who have been through the hell of coming out and the confusion and shame of growing up gay. Some people still seem to think homosexuals can be reformed through prayer and somehow magically transformed into heterosexual. A recent article from the Associated Press reported that Sarah Palin’s church is promoting an “ex-gay” conference to its congregation, brought to Anchorage by the ultra conservative think tank, Focus on the Family. Weather Sarah actually believes in the “pray the gay away” movement has yet to be seen.

I can’t speak for everyone, only for myself, but praying does not make homosexuality go away. Don’t get me wrong, I gave it an honest shot. From a very young age, I knew I was different. When puberty set in, I was positive I was different. Prayer was one way I thought I could make it go away, hoping that one day, I would wake up and be straight. “Nothing is too great for God,” I thought.

Besides just praying about it, I lived it. I dated girls, as most gay men have, and became sexually active at 16. I thought that my love for women would grow if I kept my secret under wraps and concentrated on being straight. I thought that if I only prayed enough that I would no longer be burdened with the curse of being gay. I thought wrong. The gay wouldn’t go away. The desire to be with men only grew stronger. When I finally gave in, the sex felt so right but the guilt felt so wrong.

After countless nights of prayer I eventually came to the realization that the gay wasn’t going to go away. I reflected back on my life growing up and came to the conclusion that I was made this way. That’s right, God made me this way for whatever reason and it was up to me to accept it and be free or reject it and be miserable. I believe God makes each of us perfect in his image. He made us exactly how he wanted us. Who was I to tell him he made a mistake?

"After countless nights of prayer I eventually came to the realization that the gay wasn’t going to go away. I reflected back on my life growing up and came to the conclusion that I was made this way."

Luckily, my heterosexual escapades blessed me with a beautiful daughter for which I am forever grateful. In the process, however, I lived a lie and hurt my daughter’s mother immensely. I hurt her to the point that she can never trust men again and still to this day swears that she will never let a man hurt her like I did. She is grateful that I let her go so she could find a man that could love her in a way I couldn’t.

Ultimately, being gay is not a choice. You cannot pray your gay away any more than you can pray your racial background away. I guess it’s difficult for some people to understand, especially those that cling to religion as a way of remaining ignorant and close minded. Fact of the matter is homosexuality has been around since human beings have been around and I don’t think it’ll be disappearing anytime soon. We can accept it, move past it and get to more important things or we can continue to waste energy on ridiculous notions that somehow homosexuality can be prayed out of existence. Every night I asked God to answer my prayers and he did. He gave me the courage and strength to be the person he intended me to be, proving that what I initially believed was true, “Nothing is too great for God.”

The Gift

The Gift

Here I stand, a Latino man,
My spirit, brown and proud.
Yet this curse hovers over me,
Just like a dark rain cloud.

Here I stand a proud Chicano
“Viva La Raza” I stand and shout,
Pero mi Virgencita, what will she say
When she knows what I’m about?